“The Practice of Forgiveness”
A Communion Meditation Preached by the
Rev. Jean Niven Lenk
Sunday, September 4, 2011
First Congregational Church of Stoughton, United Church of Christ
Text: Matthew 18:21-35
You may have heard the story earlier this summer about two neighbors in Cranston, Rhode Island. One of the neighbors, Bob, age 55, has been fighting Hodgkin’s lymphoma for 2.5 years. One day last month, he was in his backyard when he saw a holiday wreath with a red bow hanging on the window of the garage of his next door neighbor, Ed. On the wreath was a hand-lettered note that read: “Glad you have cancer. So die stupid.”
As you can imagine, the sign not only upset Bob, but also caused quite a commotion in the neighborhood. Residents protested in front of Ed’s house, and the police had to get involved. They asked Ed to take the sign down, but he wouldn’t at first. He said he had put up the sign because Bob had smirked at his wife, and Ed had taken exception. After Bob called a reporter, Ed finally changed the sign to, “Love your neighbor” and then he put up another sign: “Bob, Very sorry, Ed.
Ed wanted to sit down with Bob to talk things out. But as of a few weeks ago, Bob wasn’t ready to do that.
In this morning’s scripture lesson, Jesus addresses the subject of forgiveness. This passage comes at the end of the section of Matthew’s gospel in which Jesus has talked at length about relationships, and he has made the same point over and over again: the life of the community, the family of God, is the most important thing in the world, and those who want to be members of that community, that family, are called to do everything in their power to nourish and strengthen the bonds of their love. Nothing is to get in the way of that – not quarrels, not rivalries, not put-downs, not even blatant wrongdoings and sins.[i]
The disciple Peter wants to know exactly how much forgiveness he is required to dispense to someone who sins against him and still be able stay part of God’s family, and he asks, hopefully, if seven is enough. No, Jesus responds, seven times isn’t nearly enough. You must forgive seventy seven times. At least that’s how the number is translated in the New Revised Standard Version of the bible, which is the edition we have in our pews. The King James Version says not seventy seven times, but rather seventy times seven – which comes out to 490 times according to my calculations. But whether the number is seventy seven or seventy times seven, Jesus’ point is clear: there is to be no limit to forgiveness.
And then Jesus goes on to tell a parable which illustrates our human propensity to seek vengeance rather than offer forgiveness. In the story, a servant owes his master a ridiculous amount of money – the equivalent of $1.5 billion by today’s standard -- but the master graciously and mercifully cancels the debt. Unfortunately, the servant does not allow the undeserved mercy and compassion he has received to shape and define his dealings with others. Instead, the servant runs into someone who owes him money, about $3,000; but – unlike the act of gracious mercy the master bestowed upon him, the servant demands his debtor to pay in full what is owed. Upon hearing what the unforgiving servant has done, the master now calls him to account and hands him over for punishment. The unforgiving servant becomes enslaved by his own greed and his misguided sense of justice. By choosing not to forgive as he has been forgiven, he is destined for eternal bondage. The lesson: just as our God endlessly forgives us, we are to endlessly forgive others.
In my years as a pastor, I have found that forgiveness is the one aspect of Christian living that can really trip people up. Because it’s hard to forgive. We can understand how Bob in Cranston wasn’t ready to sit down with his neighbor Ed over that nasty sign. And often, the issues are far more grievous than a neighborly dispute. Ten years ago, my friend Paula’s 19-year-old daughter Brandi was walking along the road on Halloween night when she was hit by a drunk driver, a woman named Lena. Two weeks later, Brandi was taken off life support. And months later, Paula – a faithful, church-going Christian -- cried to me, “I just can’t forgive Lena, Jean, I just can’t do it. I know I’m supposed to. But I can’t.” And we all understood.
Forgiveness is a hard road to walk. We know in the abstract it’s the right thing to do. But, as the influential Christian writer C. S. Lewis sagely observed, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea -- until they have something to forgive.”
So I’d like to spend a few minutes talking about forgiveness. Let’s be clear about what forgiveness is not.
First of all, forgiveness is not forgetting, even though we might think the two go hand in hand. Rather, forgiveness involves remembering graciously; it is still remembering the pain or hurt, but without the angry embellishments that stir up contempt.[ii]
Nor does forgiveness condone the other person’s behavior or absolve that person of the wrong he or she committed. And – this is important -- forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person who hurt you.[iii] Indeed, the one who inflicted the pain or hurt never has to know of our forgiveness, and we never have to see or be in contact with that person again.
Rather, forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, so that we are not imprisoned by our anger and need for vengeance, which can fester deep in our souls and eat away at our ability to find joy in life. Dwelling on the wrongdoing can be damaging to our health, and it unwittingly gives the person who caused our pain power over us. I have personally found it exhausting to carry around the negative emotions of anger and bitterness, and the quality of my life has indeed improved when I have been able to let them go and forgive.
So, what is forgiveness? First, it is a spiritual practice. Please note the word practice. Forgiveness is not some heroic act of will; instead, it is a discipline made possible by the grace of God. We need to practice forgiveness over and over to get good at it, for it to become part of our being, our way of living and relating to others. In the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude."
The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, bitterness, resentment, depression, and other negative emotions and can lead to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self-confidence.
Practicing forgiveness leads not only to healthier relationships but also to physical health. If we can bring ourselves to forgive, we are likely to enjoy lower blood pressure and a stronger immune system as well less stress, stomach problems, back pain, headaches, and depression.
So how can we let go of anger and bitterness so we can forgive and move on?
Whenever angry feelings about people who have harmed us enter our minds, say a prayer for them that they may find their way back to a happier place than the one from which their behavior emanated.
It also helps to stay centered and to recognize that when we respond to hate with hate, to anger with anger, to bitterness with bitterness, we become part of the problem instead of the solution. Rather, choose to resist becoming like the one who has hurt us and instead put in the conscious effort to remain a loving person grounded in Christ.[iv]
Nelson Mandela was locked away in prison in South Africa for twenty-eight years. It would have been easy for him to walk out of his prison cell a seething cauldron of vengeance. But Mandela tells how, after he was put in jail, he knew he had to make a decision. As he saw it, he could either spend his time hating all the people who put him in jail, or he could choose something else, he could choose a “more excellent way” [1 Corinthians 12:31b]. In Mandela’s words, “Forgiveness liberates the soul; it removes fear; and that is why it is such a powerful weapon.”
Forgiveness may take months or years; it may take countless tears, and endless prayer. I talked with my friend Paula the other day, to find out if – ten years later – she has been able to forgive the drunk driver who killed her daughter. She told me, “Yes, I have arrived at forgiveness – because God got me there.”
May we practice forgiveness over and over so it becomes part of our living, part of our being. And may our constant prayer be the one that Jesus taught us: “forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who have sinned against us.” Amen.
[i] Adapted from Barbara Brown Taylor, “Once More from the Heart,” The Seeds of Heaven: Sermons on the Gospel of Matthew (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 2004), p. 92.
[ii] Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Psychology at Hope College, in “Forgive and Forget” on WebMD, www.webmd.com/balance/guide/forgive-forget
[iv] Adapted from Karen Salmansohn, “8 Ways to Forgive and Forget,” Oprah.com, April 9, 2010, http://www.oprah.com/spirit/8-Ways-to-Forgive-and-Forget
